My shyness and low self-esteem are killing me. I don’t know how to not care.

you have a boyfriend, who cares what other people think? they don’t want to be your friend, you aren’t pretty enough. what if you really are pretty? well confidence means sexiness and you definitely don’t have either of those. why don’t you talk? everything you say is awkward and leads to silence, nothing you say is funny, just don’t say anything. but now you’re just being awkward not talking when everyone else is..ok, you said something finally, good job, that wasn’t so hard was it? yes it was. but it was lame and nobody really cares what you think.

the thoughts go on and on and I can’t shut them up. to just one day be brave and uncaring enough to dance in public if i wanted to, say whatever the fuck is on my mind despite what others will think, and let out a fart like the guys around me do because really, who gives a fuck? certainly not me.

Thursday Apr 4 @ 10:07pm

This semester is truly different

Throughout high school I’ve had my years of absolute ups and absolute downs but during those ups when I had the intrinsic motivation to do my best, I was not as determined and was not striving as hard as I am now. I’m actually really trying and going beyond what I know will get me an A. I’m studying extra not to be confident in my grades but because I’m actually enjoying this new me and learning this new material. I love this feeling of being busy and organizing constantly and consistently to be productive as possible. If I’m not sleeping or eating, I’m at school or work or studying or organizing/planning for the events of the next day. If on the off chance I’m not doing any of those things, I’m spending a couple hours with my boyfriend. Even at work if its for some reason slow, I’m reading out of my textbook.

Even the exhaustion after an 11 hour work shift or spending 11 hours on campus feels good because I know that I’m no longer laying around doing the minimal amount of work. I really want to succeed. People say this all the time and end up falling back to old habits but for the first time I’m enjoying every step of the way out of this hole I dug myself into. I’m confident that I won’t be making any more holes and falling into them like I have in the past. Lame analogy huh?

Time for class!

Monday Jan 1 @ 11:48am

I texted my coworkers to get a shift covered so I could go snowboarding and ended up picking up 3 shifts.. ?

Thursday Jan 1 @ 04:06pm

I went from having 0 jobs to 2 jobs in 2 days. I’m looking forward to a busy and productive year, 2013.

Monday Dec 12 @ 09:05pm

another side of me

(didn’t like violynnn)

Saturday Dec 12 @ 11:03pm


Sunday Dec 12 @ 05:19pm

Happpyyy Hallloweeennn

Wednesday Oct 10 @ 01:44am

How do hermit crabs get into their shells?

Do they back it up or go in and make a u-turn…

Tuesday Oct 10 @ 06:00pm
Wednesday Oct 10 @ 03:19pm

Stream of thoughts on the subject of change

Yesterday I put in my 2 weeks notice of resignation at CVS because I have decided I need to move forward in life. Yes, I’m taking college classes and have a steady job but I feel like I’m not getting anywhere. The store I worked at was a labor union store which is o.k. I guess if you want your rights protected but I do not fear of being treated unjustly or of unsafe work environments or of being fired. Everyone I worked with did the minimal amount to keep their job because there wasn’t any motivation to do any better. You weren’t paid more if you did a better job, you only had a raise once a year like everybody else. It was simple, the longer you worked at CVS, the more you were paid. Here I was working my ass off and trying my best for minimum wage while my coworkers who have worked 10 years+ are getting paid a hell of a lot more than I am. Its a cool job if you want to be lazy and get away with it but I seek for hard work and challenges. Don’t get me wrong, CVS is not an easy job, but at my specific labor union store, you merely had to do the bare minimum of what was expected of you and you were done for the day. So during these final two weeks I will be following up on the numerous jobs I have already applied to. If all comes tumbling down, I have a spot pretty much open to me as a last resort at Rite Aid with a friend. 

Anyway, on the subject of change as well, I am finally getting a car and license! The appointment is on the 26th and the car I’m getting is AMAZING. My godfather has a hook-up with one of those wealthy men who adore and cherish their classic cars. The man is selling two of his cars to buy the newest edition.. of a car. Sorry I really don’t talk “car” like most people do. Anyway, because my godfather is a good friend, he’s selling them super cheap to me even though he can get a lot of money even from a cheap dealership. Did I mention they’re both CONVERTIBLES?! I don’t even know what to do with myself. No matter how difficult my life has been I have always considered myself very fortunate. THIS is extremely fortunate. This is my birthday present and I will pay him back without interest.

Google calendar is a life saver for people who need visualization and tools to keep themselves organized. If you have a smartphone, just sync that shit and life will be perfect (: It has really helped me maintain my schedule as well as Brandon’s because since he’s lazy and unorganized, he syncs his phone to my calendar and I just input everything that is needed for both of us. The color coding is by far the best thing ever because I love colors jajajaja.

Sunday Sep 9 @ 02:23pm